arghh...call myself a blogger? havent updated for weeks! anyway, realy glad that prelims are finally over!! im so dead la..maths was seriously a killer this time. but i refuse 2 say anymore abt exams for now..shall enjoy a few days of much needed relaxation (though i dont really need it, but thats not the point). what was i gonna say next?

oh ya..supposed 2 go into a reflective mood again. since i was so free today, i decided to take out my old diaries for a flashback into the past. but there were too many things to read so i gave up after a few entries. oh well, at least i've found another form of 'entertainment' for myself again. haha.

i wonder, when pple put stuff up on their blog, do they really mean what they say? as in, its not like they're really writing down all their innermost thoughts right? since a blog is probably seen by millions of pple if ur popular enough. so there i was, pondering over the futility of having one...since i myself am guilty of not being totally honest in my entries here. then again, who is?

yup, enough of my disjointed ramblings. back to the diary subject - can u believe that this yr alone, i already have 3 diaries and counting? i think i'll probably make it 4 since my current 3rd one is already 3/4 full. and this is coming from someone who hardly updates her blog. how ironic. haha. but seriously, i find maintaining one can be quite burdensome at times. so there u go.

since im feeling rather generous today, i shall give u folks who are bored enough to stumble upon this insignificant lil' blog of mine a sneak peek into what i write in my diary. ok, more like a pathetic sneak..but better than nothing right? haha. so anyway, since i cant be bothered to type out full diary entries, i've decided 2 put in two poems taken from my 2nd diary this yr. they kinda illustrate my conflicting mood swings and messed up life. one is optimistic, the other bitter and depressed. enjoy!

since the depressing poem came first, i shall put it down first. this was written on 23/07/05, after my PTM. given my results, surely u can sympathize with me on this one.

fake plastic smiles on my face
cracking
i cannot keep it up
when the insults cut to the bone
shredded
i feel no more
for there is nothing left to chip away

is this self pity?
or does it go deeper than that?
maybe if you opened your eyes
you would see the hurt
that overwhealms me

sucked dry of tears
i am steel
i crumble inside of me
it eats away at my infested soul
that society has created for me

i do not see any worth in prolonging this
will someone come take me away
from this dreadful hell on earth
that has become my second home

and you are the only reason i still breathe
the meaning of my very existance
that catches me before i truly fall
before i go too deep

please dont leave me
stay with me through this diesase
and make it all right
please.

now is that downright depressing or what? when i read it today, i could literally FEEL my agony..even now. haha. its good to laugh it off. maybe i should make it into a song one day. (thats a joke)

now a switch in channels..to a more positive, courageous me. sure wish i could stay that way all the time though of course, thats not possible. life has its ups and downs. i didnt write down the date for this poem, but i can tell u that i wrote in sometime in the 2nd wk of august. one of my nicer poems, and unlike the previous one, this one actually rhymes. its called 'stronger'. (NO, not the britney spears song..and im sure a lot nicer..heh heh)

stronger is what you've made me
although the hurt often makes me cry
I've learnt to pick up the pieces
i may be broken, but i won't die

the trials that confront me
as challenging as they may seem
are nothing once i've faced them
and continued to live my dreams

moulding myself into a better person
ready to take on the world
how far i've come in this life
from that weak, pathetic girl

to someone with the courage
to never lose hope
even in the darkest of hours
i will pull through, and i'll cope

because nothing is impossible
all it takes its the belief
that if you want something bad enough
work hard and you'll succeed.

hope that serves as a form of encouragement for anyone who's feeling depressed out there at this moment. and with that i conclude this long blog entry. should buy me enough time till i finally type the next one in say, a few more weeks? haha.

bye..! :D